There is a part of my heart that is always in pain. Sometimes that pain is hidden, and I don’t feel it, at other times it surfaces like a volcano that erupts in a way that has me crying on the floor, praying for guidance. Being able to perceive Spirit and energy as I do, can be a very lonely and a difficult path to walk. I was born this way; it is my Soul. I could not be any different if I wanted to be. And believe me, at times I have REALLY wanted to be ‘normal’. There have been hundreds of times that I have questioned my sanity. There was once a time when I begged my husband to take me to a psychiatric facility. I just didn’t feel like I could hold everything together.
Friends often refer to my gifts as a ‘super-power’ and play with ideas on who they would telepathically read if they were me for the day. For me, it is not a super-power, and I never misuse my gifts for personal gain. This is where I believe light would turn dark. Admittedly, with the recent US election I was tempted for the first time to read the candidates to cut through the lies, but I fight to be ‘normal’, so I need to stay in this lane as much as possible.
Whilst I mentor those who desire to expand their spiritual gifts and intuition, honestly, I don’t want them to be like me. I don’t want them to feel and intuit things as I do because I find it hard and I want to protect people. In truth, this is not my decision to make. My primary motive to mentoring, is to Love and hold people in a way that I never felt I received as a Healer. There were no elders, no ancestors, no teachers. I have discovered I am the teacher of the teachers.
As consciousness expands and more people are discovering their gifts and claiming the title of ‘light worker’, I feel this often devalues and manages to scapegoat how tough it is when you whole-heartedly step on to this path. Especially if you walk the path of a Spiritual Healer. I am often embarrassed when I channel, every part of me tremors, I speak in languages I don’t understand, my eyes water, and I often throw up when purging illness from a client’s body. It is messy love. Unconditional.
Like many, by the end of 2020 I was exhausted and completely burnt out. I had nothing left to give and my energy field was weak because my whole system needed restoration. Entering a phone shop late in the year, I ended up having a huge argument with the manager of the store because I felt she was extremely rude to me and my youngest daughter. What I didn’t initially realise was that she wasn’t being rude to me out loud, I was reading her thoughts. I couldn’t discern what she was saying to me out-loud, and what she was saying to herself in her head. When I reflected to her what I had ‘heard’ her say, she suddenly went silent and lost the colour in her face. She realised that I had literally read and heard every thought she had ‘said’ about us. I was equally as mortified and left the shop apologizing.
A similar experience occurred at a women’s circle I attended a few days after my beloved best mate passed (my beautiful dog of 14yrs, Crank). During the circle, I began to hear every thought of the women around me. I couldn’t cover my ears, turn the noise down, or push the thoughts away … I just prayed and cried for relief.
It’s not just hearing thoughts, I can see shadow, lower vibrational energies and re-live the trauma of others. Whilst this is a gift, I use intentionally to help people, and one that I am often grateful for, before I could understand myself and honour my difference, I was terrified. My spiritual path was two steps forward and one step back with wobbly legs.
Admittedly, the light side of my unique gifts is that I see and intuit extraordinary things that people do not often see. The trees talk to me, I see spirit daily (of all walks of life), witnessing Angels and Goddess archetypes is an everyday occurrence, as is playing with energy – including the frequencies of music (this is why I love mantra/kirtan). In many ways, I see magic everywhere! So, it’s not all bad!
I’m writing this blog as a form of prayer, with the hope that you (and others) will be able to see the humanness and struggles of the Healer’s around you, the psychics and the mediums. Whilst we walk our path with humility, we need you to see us too. Putting demands on us, being aggressive and sending traumatic and sometimes suicidal messages and emails is not kind. (In truth, this is why I am always running behind with my admin. I am afraid by what I read and only open emails and messages when I am energetically strong).
We are here to help you, but please have compassion for us, as you move towards compassion for yourself. I AM grateful for your witnessing.